Dear Mr. Hustle,
You’ve been oh so good to me, but I'm SO glad to be done with you.
Thanks to you I got to play Division 1 basketball. I got to go live in NYC and work for CNN News & the NBA. Because of you I landed some Sports Broadcasting gigs and started my own company and got to work with dream clients, all while keeping a then 6-month old baby alive while his daddy toured the country (and in case you didn't know Mr. Hustle, one time while he was gone I had to move into a hotel with the 6-month baby for a solid 2 months due to our house flooding and it was terrible and I cried for 2 weeks until I realized the hotel had a maid and had a breakfast buffet and I didn't have to cook or clean and then I actually liked living in the hotel and didn't want to move back into my house when it was ready...but that's a post for another day).
No really…thank you Mr. Hustle. My life wouldn’t be where it is today if it weren’t for you and I 100% recognize that.
BUT……..about a year and half ago I was forced to decide that it was time for you to go.
Looking back I've never been so thankful for a stress-induced migraine with stroke like symptoms (think slurred words and a numb face and spotted vision) while my 7-month pregnant self was eating dinner at Cracker Barrel. I mean give me all the mac-n-cheese & endless biscuits. Amen!
In case you weren't aware Mr. Hustle, by your BEST definition, you mean to "move hurriedly or unceremoniously in a specified direction".
You mean movement. And movement to ME (please hear my heart in this---this is only about me) for so many years meant "what's next?". Which subsequently meant to ME "what I have now is not good enough," which subsequently meant that I missed a million and forty-two (Im sure of it!) tiny moments where I wasn't present...because next was at the forefront of my mind all day every day. For ME, the presence of HUSTLE always ensured that there was a lack of lazy.
But for some reason, that migraine was a reset for me. Not a reset like an "OK I'm just gonna sit back from here on out and Carpe Diem the heck out of today" reset. Nope, not like that at all. In fact, I am busier, working harder and am more tired than I was a year and a half ago. The difference is, I am PRESENT.
I show up for TODAY. I no longer show up for TODAY, for TOMORROW'S sake. I simply show up for TODAY. There is no "what's next", even though I still plan and dream and hope. Do I get it right all of the time? No. Just ask my sweet husband. BUT, there is way, way, way less rushing this moment to get to the next moment because that gets me closer to that coveted "next thing".
The "next thing" for me has turned into the "now thing" AND GUESS WHAT! My heart is the most peaceful and the most content it's ever been.
Yup. You read that right. Peaceful + Content.
I know, I know, I'm sure you are joining the 14 year-old version of myself and calling BS right now on that.
"How is that possible?"
"There has to be something you are working towards in order to be content, to feel valuable, to feel significant."
"Surely you're tricking yourself into thinking you are so happy I mean you are just a stay-at-home mom constantly cleaning up, and feeding children, and changing diapers, and constantly being reminded that all little boys turn into big boys that can't seem to ever remember to lift the toilet seat. And also constantly embarrassed when you pull up to valet your car at a restaurant because you have fully embraced the stereotypical messy mom car."
"Come on Laney. HUSTLE was your middle name."
But you know what else was my middle name for so many years?
Striving. A whole lot of striving.
Missing from conversations.
Almost there but not quite.
If I just add one more thing.
Something is missing...Surely something is missing from my life.
Where am I falling short?
Smiling at my kids and husband without having a clue what they just said.
Is HUSTLE bad? Absolutely not. If you can find the balance of living in the present while working on the future then you keep on keepin' on with that HUSTLE friend. I could never seem to find it. Which is why it was eliminated.
If you can't find the balance, then I encourage you to eliminate it too.
Live in the now. Now is where your dreams are built anyway. Now is where your hard work pays off. Now is where your kid doesn't have to ask you to put your phone down. (oh my heart hurts to even have to type that real life experience down).
Now is Peace.
Now is Contentment.
(and NOW I'm going to have to go and show my son where his dirty clothes basket is for the hundredth time)
A Trying her best to Live in TODAY Mama