36- The Year I Held On
Reflecting on my last day as a 36 year-old. In my head I keep thinking I should be writing 26th year but my driver’s license tells me different.
I won’t spend any precious writing time (AKA Toddler sleeping so hurry and get all of your thoughts out while there is minimal interruptions) lamenting on how in the world I’m just 3 years away from 40, but instead will just take a mental look back on all things 36. Looking back…I think the way I spent the day of my 36th year birthday was just preparing me for the year. It was UNBEARABLY loud. It was UNBEARABLY messy. But also INCREDIBLY exhilarating…exactly like the monster truck rally I attended with my son on January 7th 2018. Right before I turned 36 I heard-felt-knew in my soul “Fuel Up and Hold On”. Call me crazy, but clear as day I heard-felt-knew it. And I didn’t forget it…for 365 days of my 36th year I remembered and lived it out. I knew without a shadow of a doubt it was coming.. The busiest, craziest, "just keep swimming”, I can do this (I think) year of my life. I fueled up as best as one can with community, with playdates, with date nights, with The Word, with Shauna Niequist’s words, with Lysa TerKeurst’s words, with calls to friends and texts to friends and Marco Polo’s to friends and Voxers to friends. I sprinkled in occasional Radnor walks and Yoga and Massages to assist with the Fueling. (Emphasis here on occasional.) And then I HELD ON. I HELD on to the kleenex very tightly as I watched my son graduate Preschool, and then just a few months later, HELD his anxious little hand as we walked into a brand new school with brand new friends and a brand new “we’re not in Kansas any more” school schedule. I HELD a coffee mug. DAILY. Usually multiple times daily. I HELD one too many moving boxes as I moved into a house that I never even saw before we were under contract (Sidenote: God knows best…Love that house..but would have talked the hubs out of buying it had I actually been present the day he saw it. So thankful I wasn't here!) I HELD wine glasses with my sisters and mama in NAPA and now HOLD a whole multitude of memories in my heart because of the 4 days I spent with them.
I HELD BACK laughter with a new friend in a quiet spa in Boca as we watched the bubbles fill up and quickly quickly go away. I HELD my hands over my ears in Chicago with an old friend as we tried to sleep in our hotel room a few floors above the protest taking place below us. I HELD my Elsa dressed toddler on Halloween and made a promise to myself I’d never ever forget the twinkle in her eye as she sang “Let it Go” for the 36th time. I HELD back tears as I squeezed the hand of James Foley’s mother in an art gallery in NYC and told her it was an honor to meet her. I did not HOLD back the tears as I pleaded and prayed for our hometown policeman friend’s life to be spared from the bullet he took in his face that tragic Monday morning. I HELD a pickle ball paddle (and absolutely loved it!) with my dad once or twice as I traveled and played this new game he loves. I HELD a whole bunch of fabrics and was incredibly inspired in High Point, NC. I HELD my breath as I watched the beautiful world below me slowly pass by as I traveled through the sky with my love in the Gondolas in Whistler. I HELD my friends rainbow baby…minutes after I got to watch him take his first breath. I HELD back crazy feelings of overwhelmingness (Is that a word? If not, it should be) and anxiety every week as I reviewed the insanely booked schedule and heck of a work year for the hubs as I tried to figure out navigating life with small kiddos and no family in town…..but then...
I HELD his plaque for Double Platinum songs and HELD his CCMA award for Producing an Album of the Year and HELD him as we hugged in the kitchen the day songs went #1. And here I am on the last day of this “Fuel Up and Hold On” year HOLDING my hands up in praise and thankfulness for the beauty that was sewn into the busy these last 365 days. I wouldn’t trade a day. Truly. Possibly my favorite year of life so far. And if I’m honest..WAY better than 26. Im thankful. Im grateful. I'm tired. And I’m oh so blessed on this birthday eve as I welcome with open arms, the “Season of Stillness” (Yup..I heard-feel-know what) 37 will hold. I don’t think we will be less busy. In fact, I believe it will be the opposite. I don’t think the days will get easier…but I’ll search for more moments of stillness in all the crazy. I’ll be HOLDING on to more “pockets of peace" (thanks LD for that nugget of wisdom) for the next 365, as I live out the 10th verse of the 46th Chapter of Psalms as best I can.
Ciao 36. You were a good one. Season of Stillness...Ill see you tomorrow.